


This is Gonna be so Much Fun!

by Banne



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Aka I made up an OC just to have him try and figure out what the hell is up with Taako and Krav, Fictober 2018, M/M, Outsider's Perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 09:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16324028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banne/pseuds/Banne
Summary: Unfortunately for date night, Kravitz's duties as grim reaper are needed. Fortunately, it's easy enough for Taako to convince Kravitz to let him tag along.Unfortunately for Durmar Goldfoot, he gets caught up in the mess.





	This is Gonna be so Much Fun!

Durmar Goldfoot lived a good life. He’d spent all 375 years of his life in the mountains of his clan, aiding a small team of other dwarves in creating prosthetic limbs out of enchanted metals so that those who had lost limbs could regain their missing arm or leg. In rare occasions, both. He was fully happy with what he had accomplished and was confident that his legacy would carry on helping those in need for a long time after he left the mortal plane.

This contentedness with life was what led him into a satisfactory afterlife for innumerable years. 

Unfortunately for Durmar, although, he was doing just fine in the afterlife before some necromancer had found his body and decided to bring him back for his knowledge. Apparently, in the centuries since Durmar’s time his people had lost the art of restoring lost limbs. The necromancer (who rudely never did introduce himself) had simply shoved Durmar into a small workshop and left. The room had no windows, making the passage of time impossible to gage. There were tables taking over two sides covered with samples of all types of metals, gems, and assorted tools. Durmar had originally thought about escaping; however, he found that whenever he left the unlocked room his head would grow cloudy and he would return by his own actions. The necromancer must have placed some kind of enchantment on Durmar, or perhaps the room itself. Leaving Durmar to do his best to recreate his old creations without the proper aid or materials. 

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed. He thought that if he was alive he probably would have needed to eat or sleep by then, but time keeping is tricky for the dead. Thus, Durmar’s afterlife as a zombie was filled with only monotony, broken only by occasional moments when the necromancer would come in to yell at him and magically force him to work faster. 

Then, one day, things changed. 

The door burst open in a flurry of lights, colours, sounds, and the scent of some kind of delicious foods that Durmar had never experienced before. 

“Ha! Told you I could beat down the door!”

“I’m fairly sure it doesn’t count if you use magic to do it.” 

The second voice was far more soft-spoken than the first, which was loud and rambunctious. They both seemed very fond though, even as they gently bickered. There was still too much smoke to tell exactly what was standing in the doorway, only that both were humanoid. The first wore a tall wizard’s hat and… was that an umbrella? The second had a cloak and scythe. 

“Babe. This is the first time you’re letting me come on a super-secret-undead-agents-of-the-Raven-Mom-Queen mission. You gotta let me have something.”

“I thought I was giving you something by letting you come instead of calling Lup.”

“Oh please. We both know you like me better.”

“Of course I do Darling.” Somehow, the voice became even more fond. The taller of the two leaned down to gently kiss the shorter on the lips. 

As the conversation had continued, Durmar was slowly able to see more about the strangers. The one in the hat was an elf, dressed in what Durmar figured was either modern fashion or half of a thrift store’s clearance section. The second, Durmar was distinctly dark and handsome (long black cloaks are a timeless look), although the scythe was still worrying. 

When the pair straightened out from their kiss they caught sight of Durmar. The wizard laughed and the cloaked one seemed flustered. 

“Hey you. Know anything about necromancy round here?” Wait. His accent wasn’t Cockney before now, was it? Durmar just stared trying to wrap his mind around what exactly was happening. 

The wizard came in to stand in front of Durmar and waved a hand past Durmar's face. “Hey Krav, I think it’s broken.”

“Taako, please don’t be rude to the people I need to talk to.” The accent was gone again, but got picked up when Durmar was addressed directly again. “Let’s start again, eh mate? My name’s Kravitz, this is Taako.”

“You know, from TV.”

“Right. From TV. We’re here to ask you some questions about what exactly it is you’re doing here and who brought you. But let’s start with a name, alright?”

A name. He had one of those. “Durmar Goldfoot. What’s going on here? I was dead and now I’m here and everything was the same until you showed up. I lived ‘till 375, longer than any dwarf’s got a right to, I should’ve been treated with respect!”

“Wait you’re dead? Krav why didn’t you tell me he’s dead? And oh, honey, if you think 375 is old you should’ve been here when the Voidfish sang they could’ve told you a thing or two about ya boy here Taako.” 

Kravitz only sighed and muttered, “Lup’s worse, Lup’s worse,” under his breath. 

“Why am I back? I was dead and now I’m not!” Durmar couldn’t take the nonchalant way that both men in front of him were taking the situation. “And what’s wrong with your accent?” He finished, pointing and screaming at Kravitz. 

Taako seemed to find Durmar’s hysteria and misfortune hilarious. “Oh man, he’s calling you out on your work accent! The others are gonna have a field day with this when I get home!”

“I’m working Taako!” Kravitz actually sounded hurt. 

Taako immediately stopped laughing at the tone of Kravitz’s voice. He reached out to cup Kravitz’s face gently in his hands. “Hey. Hey, Bone Man. I never said I don’t like it.”

“Yes. You have.”

Taako grimaced. “Okay fine, I have. But that’s before I got to know you.”

Kravitz was smiling again. “But after you offered to tentacle my dick off.”

“Don’t worry, offer still stands. Maybe less removal now though and more fun times.” Taako was alternating between wiggling his eyebrows and over-dramatically winking with alternating eyes. Did they even remember Durmar was there?

Durmar cleared his throat loudly before they went any further. 

Kravitz started and quickly turned back to Durmar, although Taako only shifted his hold down to Kravitz’s arm, looking like the tabaxi that got the cream. This time when Kravitz spoke, it was notably without the bad Cockney accent. “You don’t actually know that much about why you’re here, do you?”

“No. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

“The necromancer who brought you back seems to be trying to emulate the work of certain scientists using magic. He’s brought back a number of inventors in an attempt to make his creation function properly. Unfortunately, it seems as though you were one of them”

Durmar leaned heavily against one of the tables. “He’s trying to use my prosthetics for evil? I created them with the intention of helping, but if he needed me brought back then everyone must have forgotten. In that case… In that case what was the point of my life’s work? To be used by some mad magician?”

“Hold it right there, Dull-Man or whatever your name is.” Durmar opened his mouth to correct, but Taako cut him off. “Nope. Don’t care. It’s shitty that all your work amounted to nothing in the end, except that it didn’t because you probably did some cool shit back in your day.” Taako let go of Kravitz in order to stroll over to Durmar and poke his nose with the strange umbrella. “Either way. You gotta go back to the afterlife and we gotta stop that necromancer from whatever blah-blah evil scheme or monster of the week plan he’s got. Capisce?” 

“Wait, what do you mean ‘go back to the afterlife?’ I already died once I don’t want to again!” The hysteria was rising in Durmar again. 

This time, Taako took a step back while Kravitz moved forward. 

“You can’t technically die again,” he said in a voice that immediately made Durmar feel a little bit calmer. The feeling didn’t last long though, as Kravitz’s skin began to melt away, leaving only a skeleton behind. Kravitz, although now only bones, was still able to talk somehow. “I do, however, need to send you back to the astral plane.”

Taako was already leaving. “Hey Babe, what’s this dude’s deal gonna be? Taking over the world because of mommy issues was Lucas, but there is a wacky science aspect. Whatever, this is gonna be so much fun!” 

Kravitz looked over his shoulder in a move that can only be described as creepy. Durmar could see every vertebrae rotating far past what a normal, living being would be capable of. “I’ll catch up in a moment, try not to get into too many shenanigans until I’m there, okay?”

Taako sounded distracted when he yelled “okay” back from down the hall. 

Durmar was having a proper panic attack. He stopped breathing, then realized he shouldn’t be able to do that for so long and panicked more. Who were these crazy people? 

Kravitz sighed, which also shouldn’t be possible without lungs. “Sorry. I normally hold myself to a higher standard of professionalism. But well, date night got interrupted and Taako wanted to come along and I just couldn’t say no, you know? I’m sure you do. Anyway, I’d consider offering you a game of Yahtzee or something, but I really should go catch up.” 

With a swing of Kravitz’s scythe, Durmar was back in the astral plane. He’d never been more thankful to be fully dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Durmar Goldfoot exists solely for the fact I wanted an outsider's perspective on Kravitz and Taako, partly to ground their antics and partly because I like to torture OCs a little. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos are highly appreciated!


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